Life to the Full

     "And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times."
-Psalm 12:6

     There have been times in my recent past when this verse would have made me mad at God. I am coming out of a season of wrestling with what I know to be true and what I feel not lining up perfectly. Feeling like God let me down made it difficult to sing certain songs, hear certain verses, and even spend time with Him. It was a season of having to intentionally choose to sing, hear, and speak truth, even when I didn't feel it. As I have thought about this and looked back at what was going on in my heart, I realized what I think is the biggest difference in my current mindset that is now allowing me to feel what I know is true. I found that I don't interpret scripture correctly when I read it without an eternity mindset. This is not some big new idea in my mind, but the importance of it has become clear to me the last few days. I could argue against that verse in Psalm 12 and say that I feel as though He has not kept His promises to me. How could Jeremiah 29:11 be true about my life with everything He has allowed to happen? How can Romans 8:28 be applied to my life? I know my life is not terrible, but in moments of grief and anger, these are the kinds of questions I was facing. If all I focus on is my life on this earth, these kinds of questions would be valid. Even if my life was "perfect", I could ask these questions on behalf of the Christians across the world who are dying from disease, starvation, and persecution. How can we be promised a life of prosperity and no harm when Jesus also promises trouble? (John 16:33)

     I have concluded that these things can't be reconciled unless we view them in light of eternity. In Jeremiah 29:10, God tells the Israelites that they are about to face 70 years of captivity, so we can't assume verse 11 is talking about right now. Most of the people who heard that promise wouldn't be alive to see it fulfilled. Does that mean God's words were flawed? Of course not. What if He was talking about something bigger than rescuing them from Babylon? What if He was talking about ten thousand years from then? Or one million years from then? The same reasoning can be applied to Romans 8:28. The church was going into a season of intense persecution, and yet Paul is telling them that "in all things, God works for the good of those who love him." How does that make sense? Only if we are not focusing on the few short years we have on this earth, but instead on the promise of never ending joy in eternity with Jesus. To be clear, I am not saying this life is just going to be horrible and and miserable and then Heaven will be when we finally experience all of God's promises. The prosperity, hope, peace, joy, victory, strength, love, and all the other things He promises us are absolutely available to us right now. But, I don't believe we can truly embrace them unless we have an eternal mindset.

     In John 17:3, Jesus says "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." Because of what Jesus did for us on the cross, we can have eternal life now! We can know Him intimately and when we are living a life of abiding in Him, trusting Him, and relying on Him, all those things He promised us will be evident. We will see the prosperity He gives through the many blessings we were perhaps blind to before. We will have hope because we will be confident in what is to come. We will be able to rest because He will fill us with His peace. We will have abundant joy bursting out of us from the knowledge of His death and resurrection, and His sacrifice that allows us to spend forever with Him. We will have victory over the enemy because we are filled with the Holy Spirit and nothing can stop our God. We will have His strength to endure until He comes back. We will experience His unconditional love because the more time we spend with Him, the clearer we will be able to see His fatherly face looking at us with pure affection. What a life this is! This is the life I want to life, and this is only a glimpse of what He has available for us. Did you notice that not one of those things depends on our circumstances? No matter what is going on around us or in us, these things can be maintained. Jesus came that we would have life to the full (John 10:10), and that starts now! So spend time with Jesus. Worship Him, read His words to you in the Bible, pray and have conversations with Him. Get to know Him, and that's when you will begin to experience eternal life, and you'll realize God truly does keep His promises.

     There is one more thing I want to add. Spending this season of my life in the wrestling I mentioned at the beginning has opened my eyes even more to the incredible grace and mercy of our God. He is compassionate and understanding. He weeps with us, comforts us, endures our anger, and lets us vent to Him. He wants us to come to Him with everything we are feeling without being afraid of rejection. So if you are not currently experiencing "life to the full", do not feel ashamed. Know that is what He desires for you, but also know that He is with you through every circumstance, thought, and feeling. He will walk with you and carry you until you are able to fully embrace the promises He has for you. And you know what? It is still possible to have a deep root of joy even while you grieve. I know because I have experienced it. Keep singing, hearing, and speaking truth, and let your heart and mind focus on eternity. Spend time with Jesus and He will heal your heart. Your eternal life can start right now too.

Being Vulnerable

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? 

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. 

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me."

-Psalm 13 

I did a little searching, and there is no clear place that specifies what was going on in David's life when he wrote this. Nonetheless, there is so much I can relate to and learn from this chapter of Psalms. Before this past year, when I would read a Psalm like this one, I would read the final verses of hope in a totally different tone than the rest of the chapter, almost as if they hardly were related. But now, I have begun to understand how David was feeling, and I read these verses in a way that I think he meant them to be taken. In the midst of grieving, I have to continually remind myself of what is true, and I have to work to find the hope and the joy. I don't think David was just flippantly saying "I trust in your unfailing love" and "my heart rejoices". I think he knew those things were true deep down, so he verbalized them and kept reminding himself, even though he may not have felt them as much as he wanted to. I tend to get so down on myself for not feeling how I think I should feel, and I also picture God as being disappointed in me. 

When this is going on in my heart, God always reminds me of my time in Uganda. I was feeling down and wanted to be happy, because I knew I was walking in God's plan and I was upset with myself for not thriving with joy in that plan. I went to Him, expecting Him to "fix" what was wrong by reminding me of a verse or song that would get me out of my slump, and He did do that, but in a way I never expected. Instead of giving me a kick in the pants and urging me to do better, He opened His arms and I experienced the closeness of Him as my Father in a way I never had before. He told me it was okay to be sad, and that He wanted to be my comforter. This reaction from Him was exactly what I needed, and it was what brought me into a deeper relationship with Him. The joy I was seeking was found in total vulnerability. God does not expect me to be perfect. He knows what this life is like because He came here and lived it. Jesus wept, He laughed, He suffered, He went to His Father for comfort and to be refreshed. He understands. So I will continue to tell myself what I know is true: He is good, He is trustworthy, He is my comforter, He loves me, He has a perfect plan, He is mighty. I will also continue to be vulnerable and honest with Him, and trust that He knows exactly what I need in every moment. 

You Get To Be The One

Well hello

Little baby

Your eyes have never seen the sun

You should know

Little baby

That I am the lucky one

I get to be the one to hold your hand

I get to be the one

Through birthdays and broken bones

I'll be there to watch you grow

I get to be the one

Don't feel alone now

Little baby

Do you hear me singing you a song

I can't wait to show you

Little baby

How to crawl

How to walk

And how to run

I get to be the one to hold your hand

I get to be the one

Through birthdays and broken bones

I'll be there to watch you grow

I get to be the one

How does someone so small

Hold my heart so tightly

I don't even know you

I love you completely

This song is called "I Get To Be The One" by JJ Heller, and it brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. The reason for the tears used to be because I lost all of this when we lost our baby boy. But that changed when I was listening to it once, and I heard Jesus say "I get to be the one". So now I cry because I know my boy is in Jesus' arms, and it's an overwhelming thought. Jesus is the one holding his hand. Jesus is the one teaching him about Himself. My boy is in Heaven, and even though I don't understand, I can rest in that truth. I picture him sitting on David's lap, hearing the Psalms right from the mouth of the author and being inspired to write his own. I picture him at the feet of Noah, Ruth, Daniel, and Peter, listening intently to their stories and being captivated by them. I picture him learning how to ride horses and galloping across who knows what kind of amazing terrain. I picture him totally at peace and with so much knowledge of God's love for him, and that brings me peace too. Jesus, YOU get to be the one to hold his hand. Thank you for the hope you give.

Weep With Me

"No matter what I feel, I know in my heart you are good
I will put my hope in who you are

I was confused by my grief and looking for an explanation
I felt numb and didn't want to be with you

Ignoring your comfort would have left me hopeless
I was confused and in shock and needed you more than ever

You held me close to your heart and let me weep
You have shown me your heart and how you comfort the broken

For now until forever, you will be with me
With eyes fixed on Jesus, hope soars high

It is so refreshing to be close to you
You are my strong refuge and I will proclaim your goodness."

I wrote this a few weeks ago, as I was going through a study of Psalm 73. The title of this section of the study was, "Hope When Life Seems Unfair". Life definitely seemed unfair, and a lot of days it still does. I do trust in Him, but I don't understand. When we experience loss and grief, that is when He so badly wants us to run to His arms for comfort. He loves us so much, and wants to weep with us. I love the song by Rend Collective, "Weep With Me". God loves it when we are honest with Him. He is right there, ready to comfort us and also provide joy through every situation.

Mother's Day is a beautiful day to celebrate some of the most influential people in our lives. But it is an extremely difficult day for so many. For those who have lost their mothers, those who have lost their children, those who long to be mothers. It's days like this which increase our longing for Heaven, when there will be no sorrow or loss. Everything will be perfect. There will be pure joy, no longer mixed with emotions.

This Mother's Day, I want to celebrate my incredible mom, my mother in law, and all my grandmas. All while keeping my focus on Heaven throughout the day, and focusing on the joy God so graciously provides.

Psalms of Lament

Joy is something that can be a hard subject. I know what it is to be sad. Somehow, in the midst of grief, God is able to provide a deep joy that could only come from Him. His joy truly is my strength, especially in times of trouble. While this is fully true, it is possible to be sad at the same time. I have been learning recently about Psalms of lament. I picked up a Bible study a while back that goes into detail with different Psalms. The one I just finished was Psalms 42-43. In this Psalm, the writer feels far from God. They are longing to be near Him again, thirsting for Him (Psalm 42:1-2). The thing that impacted me the most in this passage was how honest the writer is with God. He doesn't hide how he is feeling. He opens his heart up and pours out every honest thought he has. Reading through and studying this passage encouraged me to be open and honest with God as well. God already knows my thoughts, so there is no use hiding from Him. He so badly wants to wrap me in His arms and comfort me. I have had a season of not feeling close to Him, and I was experiencing exactly what the writer was describing. I felt like I could read this Psalm as a personal prayer, almost word for word. It's funny in a way, because this is a Psalm that I would have skimmed over just a few years ago. I used to be drawn to Psalms of joy and victory! But Psalms like this one are just as powerful. I love how, even in the midst of honesty and struggle, the writer still proclaims God's goodness and expresses praise. Yes, there is sorrow and difficulty, but there is victory in proclaiming truth. So in a way, this is a Psalm of joy and victory! I am growing closer to God every day, especially when I let Him in and let Him be my comforter. He is such a good father, and I am so thankful for His faithfulness. 

His JOY

Living in His abundant joy is the only way I can function. Yesterday was a crazy Sunday, with so much going on at church, and I had a lot of responsibilities. There was a point where I had about a two hour break between one thing and the other, and I was driving home thinking that all I wanted to do was go take a nap and chill out for the rest of the day. I felt completely empty of myself and felt like I had nothing left to pour out. And then, it hit me. That is the exact feeling I had almost every day for the six months while I was in Uganda, and it is the exact feeling I had been longing to feel again. Why would I want to feel that way? Tired, unmotivated, unqualified, and empty? Why was it a good thing for me to feel that way? The answer is so simple...because when I feel all those things, the only thing I can do is turn to God for my strength. 

In Uganda, I relied on Him so much every single day. I felt a need for Him more there than I ever have before in my life. When I got back, I realized that I missed that. I missed truly feeling like I needed Him, I was longing for my lifestyle to be such that it required me to rely on Him. So then, there I was driving home, and this was coming together in my mind, when all of a sudden I got really excited! I realized I was in the same position of needing Him, and it was so refreshing. I realized I didn't have to have anything to pour out. I didn't have to feel, or even be qualified and adequate. I didn't have to rely on my own strength. God was ready to fill me with Him, so He could pour out of me. He was ready to enable me to do everything I needed to do. He was ready to overflow my cup with HIS JOY as my strength. And that was exactly what happened. Once I let Him in and admitted that I needed Him in every single way, He did not disappoint. He was so faithful, and He provided everything I needed. Nothing I did the rest of the day was in my own strength. He truly did fill me with His joy. I want to keep living every day in a way that requires me to rely on Him. I want to live in a way that doesn't make sense without Him. 

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13