Being Vulnerable

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? 

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. 

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me."

-Psalm 13 

I did a little searching, and there is no clear place that specifies what was going on in David's life when he wrote this. Nonetheless, there is so much I can relate to and learn from this chapter of Psalms. Before this past year, when I would read a Psalm like this one, I would read the final verses of hope in a totally different tone than the rest of the chapter, almost as if they hardly were related. But now, I have begun to understand how David was feeling, and I read these verses in a way that I think he meant them to be taken. In the midst of grieving, I have to continually remind myself of what is true, and I have to work to find the hope and the joy. I don't think David was just flippantly saying "I trust in your unfailing love" and "my heart rejoices". I think he knew those things were true deep down, so he verbalized them and kept reminding himself, even though he may not have felt them as much as he wanted to. I tend to get so down on myself for not feeling how I think I should feel, and I also picture God as being disappointed in me. 

When this is going on in my heart, God always reminds me of my time in Uganda. I was feeling down and wanted to be happy, because I knew I was walking in God's plan and I was upset with myself for not thriving with joy in that plan. I went to Him, expecting Him to "fix" what was wrong by reminding me of a verse or song that would get me out of my slump, and He did do that, but in a way I never expected. Instead of giving me a kick in the pants and urging me to do better, He opened His arms and I experienced the closeness of Him as my Father in a way I never had before. He told me it was okay to be sad, and that He wanted to be my comforter. This reaction from Him was exactly what I needed, and it was what brought me into a deeper relationship with Him. The joy I was seeking was found in total vulnerability. God does not expect me to be perfect. He knows what this life is like because He came here and lived it. Jesus wept, He laughed, He suffered, He went to His Father for comfort and to be refreshed. He understands. So I will continue to tell myself what I know is true: He is good, He is trustworthy, He is my comforter, He loves me, He has a perfect plan, He is mighty. I will also continue to be vulnerable and honest with Him, and trust that He knows exactly what I need in every moment.